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sunnyskywalkerWhy read-through?
Chapter One
Chapter Ten
Chapters 1-9: Abridged
Continuing my quest to KILL THIS BOOK DEAD WITH MOCKERY (and learn exactly What Not To Do), I'm finally getting around to the next chapter. I think the last chapter being relatively good scared me off from doing more, actually--it could only go downhill from there.
Direct quotes in bold.
- Leia storms back onto the Falcon, Han in tow, to where Threepio and Chewie are reliving the glory days of ANH by playing holochess. But no threats of dismemberment this time.
- "Great, Solo, great!" Leia shouted. "What have you gotten us into?" When has she ever called him "Solo"? I remember "Han," "Captain," and "scruffy-looking nerfherder," but not just plain "Solo."
- "Look, it's not my fault!" Han shouted. "They're trespassing on my planet. They're all trespassing! And as soon as we get out of here, I'm going to figure some way to evict the whole bunch!" *dies* The Imperials or the monsters?
- Why not make them pay rent instead? That'll take care of the New Republic's money problem and Empire problem in one fell swoop. Which could get rid of your Isolder problem as well. It's win-win!
- Threepio worries that the monsters might eat metal. Han snaps that "Outside of space slugs, I've never heard of anything that big that eats metal." Holochess, "it's not my fault," space slugs... This page is like an Original Trilogy's Greatest Hits compilation.
- Han says the monsters could be harmless herbivores. Leia says they better not be, because then there'll be even bigger monsters that eat them. Dave, you anticipated Qui-Gon's "there's always a bigger fish" line! Good job!
- "I don't know why I let you bring me here. How could I be so stupid?" Lingering effects of the Gun of Plot Device? Authorial fiat? Or--and call me crazy--fear of the psycho guy who invaded your mind and kidnapped you?
- "Warlords and monsters and witches, oh my!" (Sorry. Couldn't resist.) "I mean, what do you expect from a planet you won in a card game?" Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose. Even if it's in a sneaky way due to you not reading the fine print because you're a sucker.
- Han says he's doing the best he can, and Leia chews him out. "I'm not going to let you sweet-talk me. This isn't a game. This isn't a fun ride. Our lives are on the line. And right now, whether you love me and want me to marry you, or whether I love Isolder and want to marry him--none of that matters anymore. We've got to get out of here. Now!" What... what is all this sense-making? In this book? Dave, I didn't know you had it in you! And omg, do you know how many times I've shouted things like that at movie characters? From now on, I want the personality Leia has right now to be my movie-snarking buddy, because yes finally someone agrees with me!
- Han goes back into philosophical-reflection mode: he'd only seen Leia like this a few times when their lives were in danger, he'd wondered before if he with his carefree attitude enjoyed life more, but now he was sure she was far more passionate about life, maybe because of her Alderaanian heritage & etc etc.... which is all a way to lead up to this sentence: "she hid her feelings deeply, so deeply that Han suspected even she didn't know what she felt." No points for guessing that herein lies the key to the book's Happily Ever After.
- So Han promises to get her out of there. They'll head over to that city they spotted and steal a ship, and maybe come back for the Falcon some day when they can. Leia realizes that Han knows this really means leaving the Falcon to rust, and is once again shocked at the depths of his love.
- Granted, in another context the line "You always said the Falcon was my favorite toy [...] Maybe it's time to give it up" would strike me as powerful and moving. But dude, mind-control gun. Kidnapping. This does not make up for that.
- Shutting down the Falcon, packing up, blah blah blah. Han puts fatigues on Threepio for camouflage and asks if it will impede his sensors. "I wouldn't know. I've never worn clothes before, sir." What do you mean, naked? Another prequels joke before the prequels were even made! Do you think Wolverton and Lucas share a brain?
- Threepio points out that if Zsinj's people come looking for them, his electronic signature will give them away. Han knows he's right. "Look," Han said. "You and I have been together for a long time. I never turn my back on a friend." "A friend, sir?" Threepio asked. Han considered. In all likelihood this trip would kill the droid, and though they'd never been friends, he didn't really hate Threepio that much. Noooo, don't kill Threepio! Dave, I beg you! He's one of the best characters in this book!
- Okay, I knew he wouldn't do that even when I was eleven. But still. That's just a cruel thing to threaten. Poor Chewbacca would have to carry the book all by himself!
- Oh, great. Han's great plan to stop Threepio from worrying is to tell Threepio to keep thinking up ways to get Leia to fall back in love with him. Guess what comes next? As he turned the corner, he could hear Threepio telling Leia, "My, have you noticed how dashing King Solo looks tonight? He's incredibly handsome, don't you think?" Oh, Threepio.
- More packing, which I only mention because of the grenades. Jayne Cobb would approve. Ah, the memory of better stories... Maybe I'll take a break and go watch Serenity to preserve my sanity.
- Okay, this is weird. Han is getting all zen with appreciating the peacefulness of the forest, and he notes that the woods smelled clean, the way that they will in early summer when the sap is still fresh, the leaves new, and summer dryness puts a halt to the decay of leaf mold. Remember in the last chapter when Leia notes the smell of leaf mold and live sap? That's right, we've already read this description.
- Other points about that: first, how familiar is Han with forest smells and seasonal changes? I got the impression that he's spent most of his life flying from spaceport to spaceport, but he mentions the calming familiarity of the woods. Maybe he really did live on Kashyyyk as a child. Second, some places are wet in the summer. Yes, even on Earth. So why the assumption that seasons always work the same everywhere? And finally, what's all this babble about how aware Han is that this is an alien world? Just about every world he goes to is an alien world with its own gravity, atmospheric mix, flora and fauna, local cultures, etc. What's the big deal?
- Short travelogue, then mention of an upcoming thunderstorm. Which looks more like a bizarrely concentrated sandstorm. Say, would this have any relation to the witches' thunderstorm Luke saw in his vision? My gosh, it's almost like the author spent the first nine chapters clubbing us over the head with stuff about Dathomir because he knew we were going there and wanted us to know what to expect!
- They make camp and set Threepio to standing guard. Han is so exhausted that he poetically swirled away into blackness. Except that makes me think of someone getting swirled away down a giant toilet, so I don't think the imagery succeeds.
- And please, Dave, stop with all the poetical reflections on nature from Han! He's not Thoreau, okay?
- Anyway, Threepio wakes them up later because an Imperial walker has found the camp. Somehow I can't picture Threepio saying "Yoohoo."
- The Imperials tell them to drop their weapons and put their hands up. Chewbacca is missing, hopefully having been smart enough to sneak out of the book while Han and Leia weren't looking.
- "Uh, is there some kind of problem here?" Han asked. "We were just out for a little fishing expedition. I do have a license." *snerk* Now this does sound like Han for once. We're all fine here now. How are you? (Also, if anyone wants to insert a Brokeback Mountain-inspired fishing trip joke here, feel free. I haven't seen the movie yet and so I'm sure you all can come up with better ones than I.)
- That distracts the pilots just long enough for Han and Leia to dodge behind a rock or something. Han shoots at the walker's window, but his gun is too wimpy. *resists Freudian interpretation, no matter how appropriate it would be for this book* And oh no, he left the grenades in the tent! "Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?"
- Sadly, Leia misses the opportunity to channel Jayne. But at least she gets a few shots off. The Imperials threaten to shoot Threepio if they don't come out--why would they think Han and Leia cared about their droid that much?
- Ouch, more "As seen in a badfic near you" style. The narration switches between calling the character "Han" and "Solo" within one paragraph. And then switches back two paragraphs later. For no reason.
- Chewie sneakily shoots the walker from a tree, and Leia finishes the walker off by firing into the hydraulics mechanism. Yay, she's once again a good shot and not freezing up in battle! (Stupid chapter five.) Han holds the pilots hostage while Chewie shoots the radio that's asking for confirmation of the prisoners' identities.
- Oddly, the Imperial on the radio asks, "is this General Han Solo you've captured?" No, it's General Bob Solo. How many Generals Solo are there? (Also oddly, it's a radio. Shouldn't it be a comm or something?)
- The Imperials say it's an interdicted planet because "the natives don't take kindly to strangers." Leia asks, "These natives don't happen to have five toes and footprints a meter long, do they?" The pilot replies, "Lady, those are just their pets." Okay, that is a good creepy line.
- Finally, Chewie knocks the Imperials' heads together and Leia starts packing. Yes, the chapter is over! Yay!
Though I have to say, this was one of the better ones. I almost enjoyed parts. Almost.
Have a bad feeling about Chapter Twelve.
***
Chapter One
Chapter Ten
Chapters 1-9: Abridged
Continuing my quest to KILL THIS BOOK DEAD WITH MOCKERY (and learn exactly What Not To Do), I'm finally getting around to the next chapter. I think the last chapter being relatively good scared me off from doing more, actually--it could only go downhill from there.
Direct quotes in bold.
- Leia storms back onto the Falcon, Han in tow, to where Threepio and Chewie are reliving the glory days of ANH by playing holochess. But no threats of dismemberment this time.
- "Great, Solo, great!" Leia shouted. "What have you gotten us into?" When has she ever called him "Solo"? I remember "Han," "Captain," and "scruffy-looking nerfherder," but not just plain "Solo."
- "Look, it's not my fault!" Han shouted. "They're trespassing on my planet. They're all trespassing! And as soon as we get out of here, I'm going to figure some way to evict the whole bunch!" *dies* The Imperials or the monsters?
- Why not make them pay rent instead? That'll take care of the New Republic's money problem and Empire problem in one fell swoop. Which could get rid of your Isolder problem as well. It's win-win!
- Threepio worries that the monsters might eat metal. Han snaps that "Outside of space slugs, I've never heard of anything that big that eats metal." Holochess, "it's not my fault," space slugs... This page is like an Original Trilogy's Greatest Hits compilation.
- Han says the monsters could be harmless herbivores. Leia says they better not be, because then there'll be even bigger monsters that eat them. Dave, you anticipated Qui-Gon's "there's always a bigger fish" line! Good job!
- "I don't know why I let you bring me here. How could I be so stupid?" Lingering effects of the Gun of Plot Device? Authorial fiat? Or--and call me crazy--fear of the psycho guy who invaded your mind and kidnapped you?
- "Warlords and monsters and witches, oh my!" (Sorry. Couldn't resist.) "I mean, what do you expect from a planet you won in a card game?" Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose. Even if it's in a sneaky way due to you not reading the fine print because you're a sucker.
- Han says he's doing the best he can, and Leia chews him out. "I'm not going to let you sweet-talk me. This isn't a game. This isn't a fun ride. Our lives are on the line. And right now, whether you love me and want me to marry you, or whether I love Isolder and want to marry him--none of that matters anymore. We've got to get out of here. Now!" What... what is all this sense-making? In this book? Dave, I didn't know you had it in you! And omg, do you know how many times I've shouted things like that at movie characters? From now on, I want the personality Leia has right now to be my movie-snarking buddy, because yes finally someone agrees with me!
- Han goes back into philosophical-reflection mode: he'd only seen Leia like this a few times when their lives were in danger, he'd wondered before if he with his carefree attitude enjoyed life more, but now he was sure she was far more passionate about life, maybe because of her Alderaanian heritage & etc etc.... which is all a way to lead up to this sentence: "she hid her feelings deeply, so deeply that Han suspected even she didn't know what she felt." No points for guessing that herein lies the key to the book's Happily Ever After.
- So Han promises to get her out of there. They'll head over to that city they spotted and steal a ship, and maybe come back for the Falcon some day when they can. Leia realizes that Han knows this really means leaving the Falcon to rust, and is once again shocked at the depths of his love.
- Granted, in another context the line "You always said the Falcon was my favorite toy [...] Maybe it's time to give it up" would strike me as powerful and moving. But dude, mind-control gun. Kidnapping. This does not make up for that.
- Shutting down the Falcon, packing up, blah blah blah. Han puts fatigues on Threepio for camouflage and asks if it will impede his sensors. "I wouldn't know. I've never worn clothes before, sir." What do you mean, naked? Another prequels joke before the prequels were even made! Do you think Wolverton and Lucas share a brain?
- Threepio points out that if Zsinj's people come looking for them, his electronic signature will give them away. Han knows he's right. "Look," Han said. "You and I have been together for a long time. I never turn my back on a friend." "A friend, sir?" Threepio asked. Han considered. In all likelihood this trip would kill the droid, and though they'd never been friends, he didn't really hate Threepio that much. Noooo, don't kill Threepio! Dave, I beg you! He's one of the best characters in this book!
- Okay, I knew he wouldn't do that even when I was eleven. But still. That's just a cruel thing to threaten. Poor Chewbacca would have to carry the book all by himself!
- Oh, great. Han's great plan to stop Threepio from worrying is to tell Threepio to keep thinking up ways to get Leia to fall back in love with him. Guess what comes next? As he turned the corner, he could hear Threepio telling Leia, "My, have you noticed how dashing King Solo looks tonight? He's incredibly handsome, don't you think?" Oh, Threepio.
- More packing, which I only mention because of the grenades. Jayne Cobb would approve. Ah, the memory of better stories... Maybe I'll take a break and go watch Serenity to preserve my sanity.
- Okay, this is weird. Han is getting all zen with appreciating the peacefulness of the forest, and he notes that the woods smelled clean, the way that they will in early summer when the sap is still fresh, the leaves new, and summer dryness puts a halt to the decay of leaf mold. Remember in the last chapter when Leia notes the smell of leaf mold and live sap? That's right, we've already read this description.
- Other points about that: first, how familiar is Han with forest smells and seasonal changes? I got the impression that he's spent most of his life flying from spaceport to spaceport, but he mentions the calming familiarity of the woods. Maybe he really did live on Kashyyyk as a child. Second, some places are wet in the summer. Yes, even on Earth. So why the assumption that seasons always work the same everywhere? And finally, what's all this babble about how aware Han is that this is an alien world? Just about every world he goes to is an alien world with its own gravity, atmospheric mix, flora and fauna, local cultures, etc. What's the big deal?
- Short travelogue, then mention of an upcoming thunderstorm. Which looks more like a bizarrely concentrated sandstorm. Say, would this have any relation to the witches' thunderstorm Luke saw in his vision? My gosh, it's almost like the author spent the first nine chapters clubbing us over the head with stuff about Dathomir because he knew we were going there and wanted us to know what to expect!
- They make camp and set Threepio to standing guard. Han is so exhausted that he poetically swirled away into blackness. Except that makes me think of someone getting swirled away down a giant toilet, so I don't think the imagery succeeds.
- And please, Dave, stop with all the poetical reflections on nature from Han! He's not Thoreau, okay?
- Anyway, Threepio wakes them up later because an Imperial walker has found the camp. Somehow I can't picture Threepio saying "Yoohoo."
- The Imperials tell them to drop their weapons and put their hands up. Chewbacca is missing, hopefully having been smart enough to sneak out of the book while Han and Leia weren't looking.
- "Uh, is there some kind of problem here?" Han asked. "We were just out for a little fishing expedition. I do have a license." *snerk* Now this does sound like Han for once. We're all fine here now. How are you? (Also, if anyone wants to insert a Brokeback Mountain-inspired fishing trip joke here, feel free. I haven't seen the movie yet and so I'm sure you all can come up with better ones than I.)
- That distracts the pilots just long enough for Han and Leia to dodge behind a rock or something. Han shoots at the walker's window, but his gun is too wimpy. *resists Freudian interpretation, no matter how appropriate it would be for this book* And oh no, he left the grenades in the tent! "Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?"
- Sadly, Leia misses the opportunity to channel Jayne. But at least she gets a few shots off. The Imperials threaten to shoot Threepio if they don't come out--why would they think Han and Leia cared about their droid that much?
- Ouch, more "As seen in a badfic near you" style. The narration switches between calling the character "Han" and "Solo" within one paragraph. And then switches back two paragraphs later. For no reason.
- Chewie sneakily shoots the walker from a tree, and Leia finishes the walker off by firing into the hydraulics mechanism. Yay, she's once again a good shot and not freezing up in battle! (Stupid chapter five.) Han holds the pilots hostage while Chewie shoots the radio that's asking for confirmation of the prisoners' identities.
- Oddly, the Imperial on the radio asks, "is this General Han Solo you've captured?" No, it's General Bob Solo. How many Generals Solo are there? (Also oddly, it's a radio. Shouldn't it be a comm or something?)
- The Imperials say it's an interdicted planet because "the natives don't take kindly to strangers." Leia asks, "These natives don't happen to have five toes and footprints a meter long, do they?" The pilot replies, "Lady, those are just their pets." Okay, that is a good creepy line.
- Finally, Chewie knocks the Imperials' heads together and Leia starts packing. Yes, the chapter is over! Yay!
Though I have to say, this was one of the better ones. I almost enjoyed parts. Almost.
Have a bad feeling about Chapter Twelve.
***
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 12:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 07:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-27 11:37 pm (UTC)Unlike the book, which clearly continues to suck and dwells deeply and darkly far, far, far into the negative. You should get your comments published as part of the Official Annotated Edition. It'd sell for sure.
Seriously, the more Dave tightens his grip on his story, the more readers (and characters, and solid background, and pretty much everything good about Star Wars) slip through his fingers. He can't write for empty toffee wrappers, let alone toffee. Once again I'm glad you're here to take the hits for us so we can enjoy the edited lights (no high but plenty of low) instead.
Next chapter please!
--Rel-->
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-28 05:33 pm (UTC)I was in a used bookstore the other day and saw that they had a couple of original novels by Dave Wolverton. I skipped over that shelf pretty quickly...
I also apologize greatly for the long hiatus and will make sure I get another chapter up by early this week.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-28 09:43 pm (UTC)