sunnyskywalker | BSG S3: Abridged (Reply)

Okay, this is probably the last BSG post for a while.

Don't feel like re-watching Season Three? Want a quick review without having to suffer through the Love Quadrangle of Stupidity again? Just feeling snarky? Then this five-minute summary of the season is for you!*

Yes, my brain is still on spring break. Why do you ask? (But more importantly, why am I not still on spring break for real? We get Cesar Chavez day off, so we only had two days of class this week, which seems pointless... er, moving on.)

BSG Season Three: Abridged

TIGH and ANDERS: Death to Cylons!
LEOBEN: Just your friendly neighborhood psychopath frakking with your mind.
KARA: *wibble* *stabbity* *wibble*

ADAMA: Time for insanely daring rescue mission. The Cylons will fear my pornstache.
LEE: But Friends is on! ..oh, okay, insanely daring rescue mission it is.
TIGH: Ellen, wah!

D'ANNA: Humans are liars and your Very Plotful Baby is alive!
ATHENA: Not.
D'ANNA: Too.
ATHENA: Not.
D'ANNA: O RLY?
ATHENA: Okay, Roslin and Adama and I will be having a chat.

GAETA: I used to believe in you, Gaius! How could you repay my devotion like this?
BALTAR: Umm... I think I'll be going with the blondes now. Something about being late for an orgy.
HERA: And I get bounced around between caregivers a second time. Btw, when were you going to tell me Maya renamed me Isis? I had to look it up on Wikipedia! Also, too many pantheons, people. No wonder I need therapy later.

RAGTAG FLEET: Well, that was interesting. Now what? Back to normal?
ADAMA: *shaves* Reset button, everyone!
LEE: No more Cheetos for me kthx

THE CIRCLE: We have no rope or trees, but that's okay. Airlocks are made for Space Lynchings.
KARA: I feel like kicking someone they way you kicked the dog bowl, Gaeta. Rar.
THE CIRCLE: ...dog bowl? We've had dogs all along and we never ate them? Er, sorry, Felix.
KARA and TIGH: Arrr, we are bitter and Space Pirate-y! Eye patch included!
ADAMA: Quit it, guys. Didn't you see me press the "reset" button?
KARA: Oh, right. *cuts hair*

HELO: We interrupt this broadcast for a very important message: Genocide is bad, kids.

GALACTICA CREW: Boxing night! Who's running the ship?
LEE and KARA: Who cares, we have important Love Quadrangle flashbacking to do.

KAT: Shouldn't I get a little more character development before I kick off? I feel underutilized.
D'ANNA: Hey, remember the Cylons? I'd like to know who the rest of us are.
RAGTAG FLEET: Mm, algae. We should freeze-dry it, make it into pills, and sell it at ridiculously high prices to Earthlings.
TYROL: Later, you will realize that my parents' professions are just a red herring. I feel all tingly in this temple because I'M A CYLON, MWAHAHA!
CALLY: You mean it isn't me? Rats.
DEE: You can't actually want me to interrupt the important Cylon plot for this stupid Love Quadrangle.
LEE: Like we've had anything else to do since Season Two?

D'ANNA: Seriously bad timing, Cavil.
CAVIL: Sorry, but we have to save it for the finale.

HELO: Mandala?
KARA: Suddenly I feel as if I've had the life sucked out of me. Must be the pain meds.

ATHENA: I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...
BOOMER: I want my life back, but you stole it.
ATHENA: Sorry? Okay, Six, your cell is ready. It's a nice cell. I should know.
HERA: Another day, another mother-surrogate dead.
TYROL: Cheers.

HELO: We interrupt this broadcast for another important message: Racism is bad too, kids.
~~SENATOR KELLY~~ DR. ROBERTS: I'm a Beatles song today? And why do I always play the bigot?
KIDS: Ah, we see. Typecasting is bad! But also kind of funny sometimes.

ANDERS: Why am I here? What is my purpose? Not that I'm objecting to being a frak-buddy, mind, but I feel like there should be something more... What's a civilian to do on a Battlestar?
BALTAR: Rebel against class oppression!
CALLY: Down with ethnic discrimination!
TYROL: I didn't know the Colonies had such distinct ethnic identities, but sure, I can get behind that.

HERA: Wah, significant nightmares! I need therapy.
KARA: Still feeling strange. Can't stop thinking about Creepmeister and my horrible mommy. Think the writers have gotten the wrong message from Law & Order: SVU. Ooh, is that a mandala?

LEE: I know, I'll be a lawyer like Grandpa as a part of the grieving process! Or something.
~~BADGER~~ LAMPKIN: I am so cool I wear dark shades even in the dimly lit hallways. No, I don't know how I can see either.
JACK MCCOY: Roslin and Adama, Look me up when you get to Earth if you need a prosecutor with a record of winning.
ADAMA: You're right, Lee; I am being sulky because I feel like I let everyone down. Dee told me the same thing last season. So you're acquitted, Dr. Baltar!

HERA: Phantom Opera House, yay! I told you my nightmares were significant.
ROSLIN, SHARON, and SIX: Trippy. Why is Baltar here?
BALTAR: Where will I go, what will I eat, what will I do?
LEE and ~~BADGER~~ LAMPKIN: Frankly, my dear, we don't give a damn.
CULTISTS: But we do! Hide under the blanky, Jeebus Baltar!

TIGH, TORY, TYROL, and SAMUEL T. ANDERS: This Cylon revelation is brought to you by Bob Dylan and the letter T.
KARA: 'Sup, Lee? You're gonna dig the tale of my groovy road trip to Earth.

*The author does not guarantee that the product will be nearly as funny as The Complete Works of Shakespeare: Abridged (or whatever your favorite abridgment is). Read at your own risk.