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"Elementary, my dear Traw'atso'nudono."
Sep. 17th, 2005 03:05 pmFrom various points in the chronology and in no particular order, things that will never happen in the EU...
- Thrawn has an underling named Watson. Not going to happen. Especially not if Watson was ever a doctor.
- Boba Fett sells pictures of Leia on the sail barge to Beings magazine. Soon after, the song "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini" blasts up the charts. Leia sues them all.
- During the heroes' downtime, they encounter a ship that improbably popped over from a galaxy far, far away. A two-headed, three-armed humanoid invites them in for Pangalactic Gargle Blasters, his semi-cousin asks if they'd like to borrow some towels, and their robot gets Threepio depressed. A strange holobook tells them not to panic.
- Kindergarten Thrawn studies his classmates' coloring books and concocts a brilliant plan to become line-leader after recess. Only so he can unify the class and defend them against those meanie-mo first graders, of course!
- Leia starts a chain of health food stores with the slogan, "Don't Panic, It's Organa-ic!"
- Tahiri informs everyone that the Vong like to hang out in Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley because there they can be assured of a droid-free drinking experience.
- To celebrate the NR/Imperial peace treaty, in the spirit of letting bygones be bygones, Leia and Pellaeon organize a "Rebs and Imps" party complete with Death Star disco ball.
- Pimply teenaged Thrawn studes the data pad doodles of that cute girl in his Honors Strategy class and concocts a brilliant plan to get her to go to the prom with him.
- The Solo and Fel children find out the real reason Han and Soontir didn't get along back in their Academy days: while celebrating the end of their first week of classes with a few dozen close friends, they had too much to drink and ended up dancing on the table singing "Barbie Girl" in nothing but their boxer-briefs; each blamed the other for this unfortunate incident.
- Padawan Learner Yoda doesn't like to make lightsabers. He wants to be... a dentist! On Hoth! For the Abominable Wampa!
- Han gets tired of the whole flying thing and takes up nerfherding.
- Rogue Squadron raises money by selling Naked Rogue calendars.
- Someone takes Ackbar out for seafood and orders calamari.
- Isolder writes a book called The Masculine Mystique which becomes a best-seller in the Hapes Consortium and fuels the growing men's-lib movement.
- Luke finds out Mara's terrible secret: she's not really a redhead!
- Edna Mode tells Mara her jumpsuit of the day looks like pajamas and then goes chasing after Lando yelling, "No capes!"
- It turns out that what Uncle Owen meant by Luke wasting time with his friends was playing Palace Dungeons and Krayt Dragons.
- Luke and Mara decide to cash in on their youthful good looks and help others look good too...for a price. "Better than Botox: The Force!" "Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it's the Force."
- Mara teaches Jaina to shave her legs with a lightsaber.
- "He's dead, Jinn."
- Thrawn has an underling named Watson. Not going to happen. Especially not if Watson was ever a doctor.
- Boba Fett sells pictures of Leia on the sail barge to Beings magazine. Soon after, the song "Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini" blasts up the charts. Leia sues them all.
- During the heroes' downtime, they encounter a ship that improbably popped over from a galaxy far, far away. A two-headed, three-armed humanoid invites them in for Pangalactic Gargle Blasters, his semi-cousin asks if they'd like to borrow some towels, and their robot gets Threepio depressed. A strange holobook tells them not to panic.
- Kindergarten Thrawn studies his classmates' coloring books and concocts a brilliant plan to become line-leader after recess. Only so he can unify the class and defend them against those meanie-mo first graders, of course!
- Leia starts a chain of health food stores with the slogan, "Don't Panic, It's Organa-ic!"
- Tahiri informs everyone that the Vong like to hang out in Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley because there they can be assured of a droid-free drinking experience.
- To celebrate the NR/Imperial peace treaty, in the spirit of letting bygones be bygones, Leia and Pellaeon organize a "Rebs and Imps" party complete with Death Star disco ball.
- Pimply teenaged Thrawn studes the data pad doodles of that cute girl in his Honors Strategy class and concocts a brilliant plan to get her to go to the prom with him.
- The Solo and Fel children find out the real reason Han and Soontir didn't get along back in their Academy days: while celebrating the end of their first week of classes with a few dozen close friends, they had too much to drink and ended up dancing on the table singing "Barbie Girl" in nothing but their boxer-briefs; each blamed the other for this unfortunate incident.
- Padawan Learner Yoda doesn't like to make lightsabers. He wants to be... a dentist! On Hoth! For the Abominable Wampa!
- Han gets tired of the whole flying thing and takes up nerfherding.
- Rogue Squadron raises money by selling Naked Rogue calendars.
- Someone takes Ackbar out for seafood and orders calamari.
- Isolder writes a book called The Masculine Mystique which becomes a best-seller in the Hapes Consortium and fuels the growing men's-lib movement.
- Luke finds out Mara's terrible secret: she's not really a redhead!
- Edna Mode tells Mara her jumpsuit of the day looks like pajamas and then goes chasing after Lando yelling, "No capes!"
- It turns out that what Uncle Owen meant by Luke wasting time with his friends was playing Palace Dungeons and Krayt Dragons.
- Luke and Mara decide to cash in on their youthful good looks and help others look good too...for a price. "Better than Botox: The Force!" "Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it's the Force."
- Mara teaches Jaina to shave her legs with a lightsaber.
- "He's dead, Jinn."