sunnyskywalker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sunnyskywalker) wrote2007-04-09 03:11 pm
sunnyskywalker) wrote2007-04-09 03:11 pm
Because life is short and Courtship is long: Episode I
After reviewing my write-ups of the first nine chapters, I decided that most of them are far too long. Furthermore, I had fun writing the condensed version of BSG Season 3. Finally, the book is 27 chapters long, which means I've gone through exactly a third of the chapters so far. This means that if I did an abridged version of the book, I could do a most Star-Warsy thing: a trilogy!
This is still too long, but it's MUCH shorter than re-reading my summaries of all nine chapters separately. And it means you don't have to read the actual book, of course.
General Han Solo is returning to Coruscant after months of hunting Imperial warlord Zsinj.
HAN: I have seen too much war and darkness, woe.... OMG Hapans!
CAPTAIN: Chill, they're friendly. Now go take this call from your girlfriend.
LEIA: No, I missed you more. Come see me greet the Hapans?
HAPANS: We have planets full of hot people, a gun that casts Imperius, and more wealth than you can imagine.
LEIA: I can imagine quite a bit. Where's the sixty-third gift?
PRINCE ISOLDER: I am gorgeous. Marry me.
LEIA: 0_o
LEIA: ...let me think about it?
HAN: OMGWTFBBQ
MON MOTHMA: I think auctioning off Leia to an isolationist dictatorship is a splendid idea! What could possibly go wrong? Besides, we need the money.
Meanwhile, Luke checks out an old Jedi hideout on a planet slightly warmer than Hoth.
QUAINT NATIVE GUIDE: Honor demands that I attack the snow demons! Explore your own cave.
JEDI RECORDS: *are fried*
LUKE: Damn, back to square one. Wait, that data cylinder conveniently looks okay!
HOLOGRAPHIC YODA: Chu'unthor, witches, Dathomir! Foreshadowing, I must give!
LUKE: Eeep, trippy vision!
LEIA: Isolder is hot. So very hot.
ISOLDER: My days and nights are yours. [No, seriously. Isolder actually says this.]
LEIA: Even if I don't want to marry him, I still have to flirt for political reasons.
HAN: You would totally sell yourself for the good of the New Republic.
LEIA: Maybe?
HAN: This sucks. I'm having nightmares about allegorical monsters and the hot isolationist fascists are up to something.
LEIA: You're paranoid. No one leaves Hapes because every last billion of them loves the architecture and absolute monarchy!
THREKIN HORM: Hello, I am president of the Alderaanian Council and very, very fat.
ISOLDER: General Solo, what size bribe will it take to get rid of you?
HAN: Damn, you are hot. But no thanks on the bribing thing. It's True Love, see.
ISOLDER: Silly smuggler, don't you know that power and financial security are what a girl really wants?
HAN: I am fashionably late to dinner and dashing in my uniform. But Isolder is still hotter than me.
ISOLDER: I became a pirate and found my brother's murderer, but someone put him in the special HBO prison by mistake and he got shivved before he could say who hired him.
LEIA: Your tragic past is so sexy! By the way, Han, you're an idiot for not knowing Hapes was founded by pirates who kidnapped gorgeous women.
ISOLDER: But that's ancient history. Nowadays, the women oppress us men so well, we'd rather run off to be pirates than stay home with the glass ceiling.
LEIA: Sounds perfect.
HAN: *headdesk* Tell me why you're really here, Fabio.
ISOLDER: I fell madly in lurve when I saw Leia at a garden party. Don't worry; my mother is totally cool with me picking her heir based on physical attraction.
LEIA: Bedtime! Mm, Isolder's so charming and rich. And hot. Very, very hot.
LEIA: Damn, I'm so distracted by all the shiny things Isolder gave me that I can't even focus on the Verpine-Barabel subplot! I better call Luke.
LUKE: You seem tense. Just relax and treat Isolder as badly as you would any other man. By the way, have you ever heard of Dathomir?
Next morning.
HAN: I'm sorry I was an ass, even though I totally wasn't. Flowers?
LEIA: Don't worry; I'm not going to marry a stranger even if he is hotter than you.
HAN: The Hapans up to no good, you know.
LEIA: You're jus' jellus!
HAN: Of course I am! But they're still up to no good.
LEIA: Are you saying other men couldn't possibly find me attractive? Frak off!
HAN: That's not what I...well, I guess I'll have to gamble my ship so I can get super-rich to compete with His Hotness.
Meanwhile, Isolder chats with his bodyguard and reveals that like James Bond, he sleeps with a gun under his pillow.
ISOLDER: She seems like a nice girl.
AMAZON BODYGUARD: Well, someone just sent our fleet an assassination order for her.
ISOLDER: I bet it's my aunt. Damn, why do all my girlfriends have to get murdered before we can stage a coup together?
In a wretched hive of scum and villainy... no, a different wretched hive of scum and villainy.
HAN: Woo-hoo, gambling and Tarot symbolism!
THREEPIO: The odds suck.
HAN: That pretty much guarantees I'll win. Anyone have a planet they don't want?
OMOGG: Funny you should mention that! No particular reason I'm getting rid of it now, you understand. It's certifiably problem-free real estate. No Imperials at all.
HAN: Cool. Dathomir, you say?
HAN: Princess, I brought you a planet! Now do you love me?
LEIA: You moron, it's in Zsinj's territory! Sweet of you to try, though. (Wait, where have I heard of Dathomir before?) Anyway, I have to go meet a Barabel spy for that subplot now. Take a shower while I'm gone, 'kay? You reek.
ISOLDER: Let me protect you during this meeting.
LEIA: But shouldn't you believe women are perfectly capable of--
ISOLDER: Shut up and let the man lead.
LEIA: Your amazing deference to women has persuaded me.
ISOLDER: And my rippling muscles.
LEIA: Of course. One glimpse of those pecs convinced me that there is no way this marriage could not benefit the New Republic, even if tons of people hate the idea and are trying to kill me over it.
LEIA'S TAXI: I am full of assassins!
ISOLDER: Die, assassins, die!
LEIA: That assassin is hot. He must be a Hapan.
ISOLDER: How about I shove you in a closet and kiss you forcefully?
LEIA: Your respect for women is so huge! Speaking of huge...
ISOLDER: Come with me to Hapes and be a dictator!
LEIA: I don't want to hurt Han...never mind, yes I do. I want to be a dictator with a boy toy! *sob* I never thought I could feel this way!
Han, Chewie, and Threepio are in a cantina, and Han is getting trashed.
HAN: Threepio, I'm so drunk and desperate that I'm asking you for romantic advice. Do you know any love poetry?
THREEPIO: I know an excellent one involving rat hunting--
HAN: Okay, forget the poetry. But I still want your help.
THREEPIO: Yay, I'm finally useful! I know just the computer for gossip...
The Alderaanian Council meets for a very special session.
THREKIN HORM: I'm still fat. Won't this be the best celebrity marriage ever? You two look so hot together!
LEIA: OMG why does everyone think we're engaged?
THREKIN HORM: Because you're going to Hapes to shag him senseless for six months and meet his mother, silly.
LEIA: Um...when you put it that way...I'm an idiot?
THREEPIO: Excuse me, but I just found out that Han is sekrit royalty! So Leia should marry him.
AUDIENCE: Say what?
THREKN HORM: That's absurd! And his grandpa was an evil pirate!
THREEPIO: Your mom was that evil pirate's bastard. Is that a problem?
LUKE, SOMEWHERE IN SPACE: *watches tube* I should have known Han was a king. You can tell his ancestors had sex with the right people just by looking at him.
Leia and Isolder take a turn about the Alderaanian botanical gardens.
THREKIN HORM: Just calling to let you know the Verpine-Barabel subplot is cancelled! We're sending General Solo into it with a fleet so he'll never come back.
LEIA: But I've spent so much time thinking about that subplot!
THREKIN HORM: You can serve the New Republic much better on your back, dear.
LEIA: You're right. I'm not really that good at this politics stuff anyway.
ISOLDER: I love you. And I have no ulterior motives whatsoever. Neither does my mother.
Meanwhile, Han is testing some new equipment on the Falcon.
HAN: Jammers good, Imperial transponder good, Zsinj foreshadowing deployed, rohypnol ready.
LEIA, ON THE COMM: Hey, want to meet before you leave for one last argument?
HAN: And all goes according to plan.
LEIA: Are you unhappy about being sent into the snipped subplot?
HAN: No, I quit. I sent the fleet to distract Zsinj while I go on a beach vacation on Dathomir before I left, though. Want to pack your metal bikini and join me?
LEIA: You can't do that! And no, because I don't love you anymore and that's the stupidest idea ever.
HAN: Hey, is that a Gun of Plot Device on the dresser?
LEIA: You wouldn't.
HAN: Imperio!
Isolder gets an uncomfortable phone call.
ISOLDER: Yes, Mother, a worthless ex-smuggler just used our own Gun of Plot Device to kidnap my fiancée. It won't happen again.
TA'A CHUME: Men suck. Don't even think about trying to rescue her yourself; I'll take over from here.
ISOLDER: No, I'm going after her because I want to be strong for Hapes!
TA'A CHUME: Sigh. Just like your father. And I mean that in a totally non-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade way.
Somewhere in Imperial space...
CORPORAL REEZEN: Hey, someone's trying to divert our attention! I'll bet they're going to...let's see...Dathomir. That's the only planet other than Coruscant or Hapes mentioned this book. Plus I met Vader once. By the way, Dear Readers, Zsinj is hiding his fleet around Dathomir, which is a penal colony so scary I can't even tell you who's down there.
Leia wakes up locked in the Falcon's smuggling compartment.
LEIA: Asshole. Help, I'm suffocating!
CHEWIE AND THREEPIO: WTF Leia's here?
HAN: If you still don't love me after a week, I'll take you home and serve my time in prison. Isn't this romantic?
CHEWIE: But what about me? Doesn't this make me an accomplice? I should kick your ass.
LEIA: Wow, you really are devoted to me. Okay, deal.
HAN: Yay!
LEIA: But I still don't love you. Hello, kidnapping?
Luke reaches the Verpine-Barabel subplot and finds nobody there.
AMBASSADOR: Sorry, this subplot got cut. But can I interest you in a celebrity kidnapping scandal?
Back on the Falcon, Han tries to make a candlelit dinner.
HAN: Why do I own an apron? Does it say 'Kiss the cook'?
LEIA: Your service is slow. Bring me dinner, bitch.
HAN: What are you so mad about? You never used to be this fussy.
LEIA: Um, kidnapping? Egregious misuse of your military authority? And oh yes, kidnapping?
HAN: Fine, fine, I'll mold my personality to suit your whims from now on.
LEIA: That's more like it.
DATHOMIR: Hello! Like my Imperial fleet?
FALCON: Surprise! I'm broken!
HAN: Shit. Okay, we'll ride in this bigger crashing ship and then hide on the surface.
LEIA: No, there are evil, bloody sunspots down there! Or something.
Luke arrives on Coruscant way late for the party and investigates Han's apartment.
LUKE: I have the skills of a Jedi bloodhound! Han obviously made a crazy plan and went to this gambling hall. His pillow told me.
LUKE: Plz 2 b taking your hands off the Drackmarian, Hapan Thugs. Or you'll never masturbate again.
HAPAN THUGS: Gun of Plot Device, activate!
LUKE: Plot devices don't work on me. Well, they do, but not that one.
TA'A CHUME: Thugs, arrest yourselves. I told you not to use torture before witnesses!
OMOGG: Thanksssssssss, Jedi. How can I repay you?
LUKE: Think of the name of the planet and I'll guess it. Why yes, it is a good party trick.
LUKE: OMG I just heard of that planet!
TA'A CHUME: I already know it's Dathomir. Come to dinner with me, Jedi.
LUKE: Sure, ruthless redheads make me hot.
Follow the Force to Episode II: Chapters 10-18.
This is still too long, but it's MUCH shorter than re-reading my summaries of all nine chapters separately. And it means you don't have to read the actual book, of course.
The Courtship of Princess Leia: Abridged (Chapters 1-9)
Chapter One: Introducing Space Fabio
General Han Solo is returning to Coruscant after months of hunting Imperial warlord Zsinj.
HAN: I have seen too much war and darkness, woe.... OMG Hapans!
CAPTAIN: Chill, they're friendly. Now go take this call from your girlfriend.
LEIA: No, I missed you more. Come see me greet the Hapans?
HAPANS: We have planets full of hot people, a gun that casts Imperius, and more wealth than you can imagine.
LEIA: I can imagine quite a bit. Where's the sixty-third gift?
PRINCE ISOLDER: I am gorgeous. Marry me.
LEIA: 0_o
LEIA: ...let me think about it?
HAN: OMGWTFBBQ
MON MOTHMA: I think auctioning off Leia to an isolationist dictatorship is a splendid idea! What could possibly go wrong? Besides, we need the money.
Chapter Two: Foreshadowing, I must give!
Meanwhile, Luke checks out an old Jedi hideout on a planet slightly warmer than Hoth.
QUAINT NATIVE GUIDE: Honor demands that I attack the snow demons! Explore your own cave.
JEDI RECORDS: *are fried*
LUKE: Damn, back to square one. Wait, that data cylinder conveniently looks okay!
HOLOGRAPHIC YODA: Chu'unthor, witches, Dathomir! Foreshadowing, I must give!
LUKE: Eeep, trippy vision!
Chapter Three: My Days and Nights Are Yours
LEIA: Isolder is hot. So very hot.
ISOLDER: My days and nights are yours. [No, seriously. Isolder actually says this.]
LEIA: Even if I don't want to marry him, I still have to flirt for political reasons.
HAN: You would totally sell yourself for the good of the New Republic.
LEIA: Maybe?
HAN: This sucks. I'm having nightmares about allegorical monsters and the hot isolationist fascists are up to something.
LEIA: You're paranoid. No one leaves Hapes because every last billion of them loves the architecture and absolute monarchy!
THREKIN HORM: Hello, I am president of the Alderaanian Council and very, very fat.
ISOLDER: General Solo, what size bribe will it take to get rid of you?
HAN: Damn, you are hot. But no thanks on the bribing thing. It's True Love, see.
ISOLDER: Silly smuggler, don't you know that power and financial security are what a girl really wants?
Chapter Four: In Case of Glass Ceiling, Become Pirate
HAN: I am fashionably late to dinner and dashing in my uniform. But Isolder is still hotter than me.
ISOLDER: I became a pirate and found my brother's murderer, but someone put him in the special HBO prison by mistake and he got shivved before he could say who hired him.
LEIA: Your tragic past is so sexy! By the way, Han, you're an idiot for not knowing Hapes was founded by pirates who kidnapped gorgeous women.
ISOLDER: But that's ancient history. Nowadays, the women oppress us men so well, we'd rather run off to be pirates than stay home with the glass ceiling.
LEIA: Sounds perfect.
HAN: *headdesk* Tell me why you're really here, Fabio.
ISOLDER: I fell madly in lurve when I saw Leia at a garden party. Don't worry; my mother is totally cool with me picking her heir based on physical attraction.
LEIA: Bedtime! Mm, Isolder's so charming and rich. And hot. Very, very hot.
LEIA: Damn, I'm so distracted by all the shiny things Isolder gave me that I can't even focus on the Verpine-Barabel subplot! I better call Luke.
LUKE: You seem tense. Just relax and treat Isolder as badly as you would any other man. By the way, have you ever heard of Dathomir?
Next morning.
HAN: I'm sorry I was an ass, even though I totally wasn't. Flowers?
LEIA: Don't worry; I'm not going to marry a stranger even if he is hotter than you.
HAN: The Hapans up to no good, you know.
LEIA: You're jus' jellus!
HAN: Of course I am! But they're still up to no good.
LEIA: Are you saying other men couldn't possibly find me attractive? Frak off!
HAN: That's not what I...well, I guess I'll have to gamble my ship so I can get super-rich to compete with His Hotness.
Meanwhile, Isolder chats with his bodyguard and reveals that like James Bond, he sleeps with a gun under his pillow.
ISOLDER: She seems like a nice girl.
AMAZON BODYGUARD: Well, someone just sent our fleet an assassination order for her.
ISOLDER: I bet it's my aunt. Damn, why do all my girlfriends have to get murdered before we can stage a coup together?
Chapter Five: Tarot, Assassins, and Lust
In a wretched hive of scum and villainy... no, a different wretched hive of scum and villainy.
HAN: Woo-hoo, gambling and Tarot symbolism!
THREEPIO: The odds suck.
HAN: That pretty much guarantees I'll win. Anyone have a planet they don't want?
OMOGG: Funny you should mention that! No particular reason I'm getting rid of it now, you understand. It's certifiably problem-free real estate. No Imperials at all.
HAN: Cool. Dathomir, you say?
HAN: Princess, I brought you a planet! Now do you love me?
LEIA: You moron, it's in Zsinj's territory! Sweet of you to try, though. (Wait, where have I heard of Dathomir before?) Anyway, I have to go meet a Barabel spy for that subplot now. Take a shower while I'm gone, 'kay? You reek.
ISOLDER: Let me protect you during this meeting.
LEIA: But shouldn't you believe women are perfectly capable of--
ISOLDER: Shut up and let the man lead.
LEIA: Your amazing deference to women has persuaded me.
ISOLDER: And my rippling muscles.
LEIA: Of course. One glimpse of those pecs convinced me that there is no way this marriage could not benefit the New Republic, even if tons of people hate the idea and are trying to kill me over it.
LEIA'S TAXI: I am full of assassins!
ISOLDER: Die, assassins, die!
LEIA: That assassin is hot. He must be a Hapan.
ISOLDER: How about I shove you in a closet and kiss you forcefully?
LEIA: Your respect for women is so huge! Speaking of huge...
ISOLDER: Come with me to Hapes and be a dictator!
LEIA: I don't want to hurt Han...never mind, yes I do. I want to be a dictator with a boy toy! *sob* I never thought I could feel this way!
Chapter Six: Sometimes I Just Don't Understand Human Behavior
Han, Chewie, and Threepio are in a cantina, and Han is getting trashed.
HAN: Threepio, I'm so drunk and desperate that I'm asking you for romantic advice. Do you know any love poetry?
THREEPIO: I know an excellent one involving rat hunting--
HAN: Okay, forget the poetry. But I still want your help.
THREEPIO: Yay, I'm finally useful! I know just the computer for gossip...
The Alderaanian Council meets for a very special session.
THREKIN HORM: I'm still fat. Won't this be the best celebrity marriage ever? You two look so hot together!
LEIA: OMG why does everyone think we're engaged?
THREKIN HORM: Because you're going to Hapes to shag him senseless for six months and meet his mother, silly.
LEIA: Um...when you put it that way...I'm an idiot?
THREEPIO: Excuse me, but I just found out that Han is sekrit royalty! So Leia should marry him.
AUDIENCE: Say what?
THREKN HORM: That's absurd! And his grandpa was an evil pirate!
THREEPIO: Your mom was that evil pirate's bastard. Is that a problem?
LUKE, SOMEWHERE IN SPACE: *watches tube* I should have known Han was a king. You can tell his ancestors had sex with the right people just by looking at him.
Chapter Seven: Is That Mind-Rape Supposed to Be Romantic?
Leia and Isolder take a turn about the Alderaanian botanical gardens.
THREKIN HORM: Just calling to let you know the Verpine-Barabel subplot is cancelled! We're sending General Solo into it with a fleet so he'll never come back.
LEIA: But I've spent so much time thinking about that subplot!
THREKIN HORM: You can serve the New Republic much better on your back, dear.
LEIA: You're right. I'm not really that good at this politics stuff anyway.
ISOLDER: I love you. And I have no ulterior motives whatsoever. Neither does my mother.
Meanwhile, Han is testing some new equipment on the Falcon.
HAN: Jammers good, Imperial transponder good, Zsinj foreshadowing deployed, rohypnol ready.
LEIA, ON THE COMM: Hey, want to meet before you leave for one last argument?
HAN: And all goes according to plan.
LEIA: Are you unhappy about being sent into the snipped subplot?
HAN: No, I quit. I sent the fleet to distract Zsinj while I go on a beach vacation on Dathomir before I left, though. Want to pack your metal bikini and join me?
LEIA: You can't do that! And no, because I don't love you anymore and that's the stupidest idea ever.
HAN: Hey, is that a Gun of Plot Device on the dresser?
LEIA: You wouldn't.
HAN: Imperio!
Isolder gets an uncomfortable phone call.
ISOLDER: Yes, Mother, a worthless ex-smuggler just used our own Gun of Plot Device to kidnap my fiancée. It won't happen again.
TA'A CHUME: Men suck. Don't even think about trying to rescue her yourself; I'll take over from here.
ISOLDER: No, I'm going after her because I want to be strong for Hapes!
TA'A CHUME: Sigh. Just like your father. And I mean that in a totally non-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade way.
Somewhere in Imperial space...
CORPORAL REEZEN: Hey, someone's trying to divert our attention! I'll bet they're going to...let's see...Dathomir. That's the only planet other than Coruscant or Hapes mentioned this book. Plus I met Vader once. By the way, Dear Readers, Zsinj is hiding his fleet around Dathomir, which is a penal colony so scary I can't even tell you who's down there.
Chapter Eight: The Romance of Kidnapping, Part Two
Leia wakes up locked in the Falcon's smuggling compartment.
LEIA: Asshole. Help, I'm suffocating!
CHEWIE AND THREEPIO: WTF Leia's here?
HAN: If you still don't love me after a week, I'll take you home and serve my time in prison. Isn't this romantic?
CHEWIE: But what about me? Doesn't this make me an accomplice? I should kick your ass.
LEIA: Wow, you really are devoted to me. Okay, deal.
HAN: Yay!
LEIA: But I still don't love you. Hello, kidnapping?
Luke reaches the Verpine-Barabel subplot and finds nobody there.
AMBASSADOR: Sorry, this subplot got cut. But can I interest you in a celebrity kidnapping scandal?
Back on the Falcon, Han tries to make a candlelit dinner.
HAN: Why do I own an apron? Does it say 'Kiss the cook'?
LEIA: Your service is slow. Bring me dinner, bitch.
HAN: What are you so mad about? You never used to be this fussy.
LEIA: Um, kidnapping? Egregious misuse of your military authority? And oh yes, kidnapping?
HAN: Fine, fine, I'll mold my personality to suit your whims from now on.
LEIA: That's more like it.
DATHOMIR: Hello! Like my Imperial fleet?
FALCON: Surprise! I'm broken!
HAN: Shit. Okay, we'll ride in this bigger crashing ship and then hide on the surface.
LEIA: No, there are evil, bloody sunspots down there! Or something.
Chapter Nine: Ruthless Redheads Make Luke Hot
Luke arrives on Coruscant way late for the party and investigates Han's apartment.
LUKE: I have the skills of a Jedi bloodhound! Han obviously made a crazy plan and went to this gambling hall. His pillow told me.
LUKE: Plz 2 b taking your hands off the Drackmarian, Hapan Thugs. Or you'll never masturbate again.
HAPAN THUGS: Gun of Plot Device, activate!
LUKE: Plot devices don't work on me. Well, they do, but not that one.
TA'A CHUME: Thugs, arrest yourselves. I told you not to use torture before witnesses!
OMOGG: Thanksssssssss, Jedi. How can I repay you?
LUKE: Think of the name of the planet and I'll guess it. Why yes, it is a good party trick.
LUKE: OMG I just heard of that planet!
TA'A CHUME: I already know it's Dathomir. Come to dinner with me, Jedi.
LUKE: Sure, ruthless redheads make me hot.
Follow the Force to Episode II: Chapters 10-18.